By so
I don’t know if you’re real
or if I’m of any real concern
but I’m desperate
and I have nowhere else to turn
someone once told me that when all was lost
I should go to you
well, hi… I ended a life
is my life over too?
is mine a destiny of grief
I know it was ungodly
so what’s the sentence for a thief
that robs a soul of a body
do you hate me?
should I even bother pleading my case
I feel like hell
you can probably see it in my face
I guess feeling like this
is likely inescapable
how could someone be unwanted
and at the same time irreplaceable
but listen, my whole life
it’s all I ever heard
everywhere the same view
all the celebrities concurred
it started as safety
but then they made it something sacred
they made cakes, held parades
and lit buildings to celebrate it
they used euphemisms to
sanitize any shame
I thought how bad could it be if
60 million had done the same
who was I to contradict
the mighty cultural curators
that said life can be created casually
and decided upon later
they said it was empowering
they masked motherhood in insanity
they said there’s nothing more old fashioned
than having a family
what was I to make of that
I had so many plans made
they said if I had a baby
that would just make me a handmaid
I saw all the memes
I concede – I believed them
I saw all the smiling CEOs
of course I wanted to be them
for the key to freedom
was boundless sex in the city
I expected happiness
what I found left me sitting
alone in a condo with a conundrum
the guy told he loved me
then after he found out
well, he told me nothing
I never heard from him again
so I took everyone’s advice
if you can’t give her a life
then you can’t give her life
I asked about adoption
they scoffed, even mocked it
they said if I wanted opportunity
I really had no other options
so I made my visit to the clinic
with pamphlets and a smile
they said to plan parenthood
I had to destroy my child
and so it was
in the vice of this irony
I let them kill
the new life inside of me
they offered medicine
for pain and some trite condolences
but they never mentioned
the regret, the plight, the brokenness
the despair
the soaked pillows
the what have I done
I still hear the empty echoes
of “my body my choice”
but now all I can feel
in my body is a void
if it was just a clump of cells
then why
do I die every day
wondering if she would have had my eyes
they lied
I know now that
no amount of euphemisms can hide the truth
that clump of cells was life
and the guilt won’t subside
it’s only gotten worse with
their platitudes of pleasures
there’s no salary that’s worth this
I remember questioning-
would she feel any pain
they were quick to affirm
that it was for her own good
but I’ve since come to learn
there’s a twisted kind of dissonance
in altruism’s chords
played as putting her out of her misery
when you’re putting her out of yours
will you forgive me
will my sin ever be vanquished
or will this anguish outlive me?
I’m sorry
this is not what I had planned
I’m sorry that it took me this long
to finally understand
that among all the voices
it was yours I should have beckoned
but is it too late?
am I banished from heaven?
even more than my mind
it was my heart that they stole
they didn’t tell me that damn vacuum
would suck out part of my soul
someone once told me that when I was lost
I could come home again
that mess on the doorstep is me
can you make me whole again?
